Over the last few days, I’ve been feeling mopey and down in the dumps. I guess for no particular reason, or maybe a compound of a lot of reasons. I also pulled a muscle in the lower back yesterday from walking on the uneven snow. Being in pain makes me a big giant grump.
After the kids were in bed, Rudy was at an open mic, and i was left to myself i decided a scalding bath was in order. I popped 2 excedrine, lit a candle, and grabbed my go to book for some light reading.
Madeleine L’Engle touches me deep in my soul every time i pick up one of her books
Last night was no exception.
Love Lessons – September 25th
I know that when i am most monstrous, I am most in need of love. When my temper flares out of bounds it is usually set off by something unimportant which is on top of a series of events over which i have no control, which have made me helpless, and thus caused me anguish and frustration. I am not lovable when i am enraged, although it is when i most need love. One of our children when he was two or three years old used to rush at me when he had been naughty, and beat against me, and what he wanted by this monstrous behavior was an affirmation of love. And i would put my arms around him and hold him very tight until the dragon was gone and the loving small boy had returned. So God does with me. I strike against him in pain and fear and he holds me under the shadow of his wings. Sometimes he appears to me to be so unreasonable that i think i cannot live with him, but i know that i cannot live without him, He is my lover, father, mother, sister, brother, friend, paramour, companion, my love, my all.
I needed more than anything to read this when i did, to know i am not alone. I am loved. To know that God wraps his loving arms around me even when i am being monstrous and unloveable. HE loves me.